For football novices, a definition of terms to help you survive that neighborhood Super Bowl party

All that confusing pro football terminology in plain, simple English

Today's Super Bowl XXXVVVIVXIVVV will be watched by more people who know absolutely nothing about football than any other football game ever played.

Most of these people will end up at some sort of Super Bowl party where they will be clueless about what's happening on the TV that's taking up half the living room wall and will be afraid they'll embarrass themselves if they try to offer any opinions about the game.

As such, they generally cheer only when everyone else is cheering and look forward to the clever commercials when they can finally jump intelligently into the conversation.

Either that or they simply retreat to the kitchen and pretend to be tending to the snacks.

Still, whether you are Red or you are Blue, this is required watching for all Americans, even those who have fled to Saskatchewan.

Sadly, many people will get a confused glaze over their eyes like what you'd see on a Krispy Kreme doughnut when TV announcers start throwing around lingo that's familiar only to diehard football fans.

This is where I come in.

To help you sound knowledgeable as you hang around the seven-layer bean dip and shoe leather disguised as Tri-Tip, try to memorize the following definitions and you'll soon be accepted as one of the gang.

TUSH PUSH: A play where offensive players line up behind the quarterback and push his sorry butt over the goal line. Try this in the stands and you'll get arrested.

ILLEGAL USE OF THE HANDS: When one player touches another player where he does not wish to be touched. Again, do not try this in the stands.

ONSIDE KICK: An odd formation where all 11 players on the kickoff team lie on their sides as the ball is being booted.

SCRIMMAGE: A traditional Super Bowl potluck dish featuring spinach, grits, pine nuts and sour cream.