The ideal Father's Day gift for Dad

Then again, does Dad really want a gift?

I will say that being a husband and father are far and away the best parts of my life, but my sweetheart and I agreed years ago that we'd go on a picnic in the woods instead of giving gifts on either Mother's Day or Father's Day.

I loved my dad dearly, but he was impossible to shop for on Father's Day.  Indeed, he loved being a father to his very core, but he abhorred Father's Day, a "celebration" he considered fabricated, fraudulent and completely lacking in merit.

So, after a while, my sisters and brother and I pretty much gave up on any gift giving for Father's Day, despite considerable advertising urging us to show our love by buying him stuff.

I will say that being a husband and father are far and away the best parts of my life, but my sweetheart and I agreed years ago that we'd go on a picnic in the woods instead of giving gifts on either Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Unfortunately, there are no "woods" in this part of California, so we generally end up having a picnic halfway up the valley in a fragrant field of alfalfa or maybe in the shade of a mature walnut orchard.

Years ago we took a Father's Day hike up a canyon with an alleged creek in the beautiful hills just west of Guinda in the Capay Valley. 

It was 105 degrees with no shade on the trail on that fateful day, and, as it turns out, there was no water in this supposed creek. This was back in the days when Big Ed Prieto was enforcing the laws of Yolo County, and had he spotted us from his Sheriff's helicopter, rather than giving us water, he'd probably have arrested us all for rank stupidity.

We did survive to tell the tale. But most definitely, this is not a tale we tell often.

So maybe this idea of buying gifts instead of going on hikes is not such a bad concept after all.

The pop-up ads in the last few days when you're trying to read something online are full of gift ideas, always with a number attached, like "The 71 Very Best Gifts that Dad Will Love."

Since I don't have 71 kids, I don't need 71 gifts. Actually, I don't need even one gift.

Then again, just yesterday I came across an ad for the "LifeStraw Personal Water Filter that has a "microfiltration system that removes 99.999999 percent of waterborne bacteria."

Yeah, but what about that .0000001 percent that sneaks through the filter and lands you in the ICU on Father's Day instead of enjoying a traditional backyard barbecue?

Still, if you're tired of drinking Davis water straight from the tap, you could take your LifeStraw Personal Water Filter out to the Mighty Putah and drink to your heart's content. There may be salmon in that creek, but no salmonella in your straw.

Amazon is offering "Aviator Sunglasses" dirt cheap, but I dare say this country needs only one Joe Biden.

A men's waffle robe is going for a mere $24, even if I'm not fond of robes or waffles.

"Gee kids, just what I wanted. You sure know your old dad well."

Said one recent ad, "The Moon Pod is a cloudlike chair designed to mimic the sensation of flotation therapy," and it can be yours - or mine - for just $299 cash on the barrelhead.

As much as I'd like to learn more about flotation therapy - presumably on an air mattress in a swimming pool - I did find it interesting that the person modeling this Father's Day gift was most definitely a woman.

I also found an ad for a realistic looking hand gun that dispenses whiskey instead of bullets in case you want to get dad loaded - literally - on Father's Day. 

And not to worry, our ever-active Supreme Court has ruled that this whiskey-wise weapon is completely legal under the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution.

The ad for the Knock Knock Original Personal Library Kit claims “There’s no greater pleasure than sharing beloved books, but no crueler pain than losing them for good."

Ouch. I didn't realize book ownership could be so difficult. But, since I don’t own any books, I’m feeling no pain.

Last year, I found an ad for the TubShroom Tub Hair Catcher, but maybe they took it off the market after seeing the photo of my hair. Or lack of same.

And finally, before I decide I'd really like a Father's Day gift after all, there's this show-stopper of a deal.

The Tushy Classic 3.0 has been rated by CNN as “the best bidet attachment ever," but I’m not sure how you actually give this as a “gift” to anyone.

Kids, let me just say this: do not give the "best bidet attachment ever" to anyone, especially to dad on his special day.

Trust me on this.

You can reach me directly at bobdunning@thewaryone.com

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