We have a winner: 11-Word Essay Contest champion revealed

Pulitzer Prize committee takes notice of the best 11-word essays in all the land

Okay, I've finally been cleared by Elon Musk to finish judging every entry in the 11-Word Essay Contest.

I did have to agree to stop thinking up clever and mean things that DOGE actually stands for. In exchange, Elon has agreed to allow my family and me to sleep in a Tesla Cybertruck for a full week, free of charge.

I also, against my better judgment, agreed to accept a late contest entry from one DJT of South Florida that stated; "Ukraine invaded Russia, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

That essay has been read, judged and assigned to the trash bin of history.

I can't tell you how difficult it is to judge another person's creativity and come up with a single "winner."

As the Good Book says so clearly, "Judge Not."

Truth be told, I would find it difficult to narrow the entries in this contest down to 100 winners.

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who put pen to paper and submitted an 11-word essay - or a dozen 11-word essays - is a complete and total winner.

I remember in those long-ago days at The Daily Surprise when they'd run a contest to replace me for two weeks while I was on vacation.

People had to submit a full column, which generally ran anywhere from 600 to 1,000 words.

There were 10 winners, all of whom - along with their families - were treated to a grand "Candlelight Dinner" at McDonald's, complete with stunning table decorations, special menu items to fit the occasion and servers wearing black ties. The annual party would swell to nearly a hundred revelers before the last Big Mac had passed our lips.

A kind man named Ken Little, who founded the Davis McDonald's, shut down the restaurant for an entire evening every October and made it an occasion none of us would ever forget.

It seems like only yesterday.

Wait. It was only yesterday.

The one thing that stood out to me about the 11-word essays was their great diversity. (I'm sorry, Elon, but that happens to be the right word here.)

I think the youngest entrant was six years old. If Herb Bauer, the Conscience of Davis, were still with us, he no doubt would have been the oldest entrant and a clear winner.

He used to pen the shortest, pithiest - and sometimes pissiest - letters to the editor in the history of American journalism.

They'd bring a smile to my face and a nod to my noggin.

I called them "Herb's herbs."

So now, on with the show.

First, I'll present a handful or two of the wondrous entries that came my way, then save the Grand Champion for last.

I'd like to name them all as winners, which they clearly are, but for the fact the grand prize - dinner for two with me and my sweetheart - is likely to run into six figures and if we had more than one winner, we'd all be eating beans.

Wrote Joel Dobris, now a resident of Oakland, "Davis, city of light, city of might, I miss thee so."

It misses you, too, Joel.

Jeanine McElwain summed up the frustration of many with this contest when she wrote "Every essay I attempt has only nine words. Two are missing."

I feel your pain, Jeanine.

Noted Don and Diane Johnston, "The girl of your dreams - she who laughs at your jokes."

Indeed, the way to a man's heart is through his funny bone.

Wrote Will Alpers, " 'Davis is for Everyone' those window signs say. Except the poor."

Wrote Bill Weisgerber, pushing to the extreme the rule that allows unlimited acronyms, "BAE, DIYs, FUBAR, SNAFU, TARFU, BOLO, ASAP, FISH, SOL, LOL, YOLO."

YOLO indeed, Bill.

Said Laurie Loving, "Hearing a child's laughter is the recovery to one's deepest angst."

Said Lynne Bartz, "Many Davis voters want to pull up the drawbridge behind them."

Wrote Sheri Smith, "Friends are welcome anytime in every home that I call mine."

For pure originality, it's hard to top Jesse Drew's, "The Davis Greenbelt: a combination of The Prisoner and The Teletubbies."

Robert Bulman wrote, "Exercise builds equity over time, but chocolate-chip cookies pay dividends today."

I like how you're thinking, Robert.

Noted Malene Jensen, "Profound, inspiring stories don't have to be long. This one isn't."

Said Michael Hirst, "Current events. At least grateful now to worry less about dying."

That's a grave way of thinking about things, Michael.

According to Chuck Cunningham, "Being curious helps us learn. Being judgmental only builds barriers. Choose."

Diane Steele made me hungry when she wrote, "Forget turkey, there are sixteen tasty Chinese food restaurants in Davis."

Noted Alex Wright, "Four more years of Trump. What could go wrong? Infinite possibilities."

Said Callan Weiss, "Write, count the words again, rewrite. This is a life sentence."

Clever.

Wrote Barbara Heinsch, "She didn't know joy until she stopped frantically searching for it."

Noted Brendan Del Favero, "Young independence milestone. A carousel rider must ride without their parent."

Wrote Rick Entrikin, "From Wary Eye to Wary One, Dunning's fun is never done."

And he'll have fun, fun, fun till his daddy takes the T-Bird away.

Commented Paul Jet, "The sun rises without need for negotiation, and in no doubt."

So true. And thank heaven it does.

Said Sharon Dario, "Humanity's only hope is colonizing a planet in a distant galaxy."

I'm afraid the Martians won't have us, Sharon.

Asked Joe DePietro, "What are the first eleven words of The Declaration of Independence"?

I think those 11 words are "A right to chicken in every pot, pot in every chicken."

Jonna Regel stressed that "Expressing a truth in eleven words is indeed a daunting task."

Indeed it is, Jonna.

Said Edward, "When inspiration hits like lightning, be sure to ground your self"

We'll let you get away with "your self" as two words, Edward.

Wrote Kevin Yarris, "Traffic roundabouts are the most annoying inventions. Do engineers ever drive?"

Amen, Kevin. History teaches us that the pilgrims left Europe primarily to escape roundabouts.

There were many, many, many more wonderful entries. Equally brilliant all. Wish I had enough ink to print every one of them.

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to engage in this headache-inducing activity.

The makers of Advil Migraine thank you from the bottom of their pill jar.

And finally, the winner, from one Kalli Louis.

"Grandson, 3, after exercising for one minute, 'I need a break.' "

Thanks a million, Kalli.

Right about now, I think we all need a break.

Reach me at bobdunning@thewaryone.com