White House Rules: No childless cat ladies allowed

How many kids must a candidate have to qualify for the Presidency?

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images

To all those folks piling on poor J.D. Vance, I say "whoa," let's give the man a chance to come up for air and explain himself.

Yes, he did make an interesting comment on live national television three years ago when he was barely old enough to vote, but since it was on Fox News, I'm sure it was fair and balanced, or if it wasn't, it would have been challenged by the host, in this case Tucker Carlson.

At the time, while running for a seat in the U.S. Senate, Vance noted that our country is being run by “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too.”

He added that if you don't have kids, you don't have a direct stake in the future of the country, hinting broadly that childless folks have no business running the government, federal or otherwise.

Now, I'm not sure exactly what a "cat lady" is. The only reliable definition I could find was that a cat lady is "Most often depicted as a middle-aged or elderly spinster who has many cats."

There does not appear to be a requirement that a cat lady be childless, so apparently you can have both "childless" cat ladies and motherly cat ladies, but it seems as if J.D. is more concerned about cat ladies without children.

However, there is no definition in any dictionary - or the Holy Bible - for the term "cat man." Even Kathmandu doesn't have a cat man.

I do remember as a kid being driven by the home of a famous "cat lady" in the nearby town of Winters, an elderly woman who would sit on her front porch late at night feeding every cat from San Diego to San Francisco. For a long time, she was actually the town's main tourist attraction.

I do not know if she was childless, but J.D. needn't worry that she might suddenly get up off her porch and declare her candidacy for President of the United States of America. I mean, how would she get all those cats to Washington, D.C.?

Leaving cats out of the picture, however, it appears that what has really directed the ire of the nation Vance's way is that intentionally cruel term "childless."

According to this line of thought, how can you run the most powerful country in the world if you haven't experienced 10 kids jumping on your bed on Saturday morning when you were trying to sleep in on your day off?

Which explains why a childless George Washington saw his new nation crumble around him and return to British rule less than a week after he took office.

"If only I had a kid," Washington was heard muttering as the Redcoats escorted him to the slammer.

Conversely, Abraham Lincoln was successful during the most trying time in American history because he had four sons, none of whom grew up to be a cat lady.

Carrying Vance's logic one step further, it makes sense that if you're childless and therefore have no stake in the future of the country, not only should you be ineligible for public office, you also shouldn't be allowed to vote.

J.D. Vance has three kids. I have six. Which means I'm twice as qualified to be president as he is.

I'd add to the "must have a child" requirement, that to be truly prepared for all eventualities, a candidate for high office should also have grandchildren.

"Grandchildren," as the framed saying my mom had sitting on her piano noted, "are God's gift for growing old."

Yes, I have six kids and six grandkids. Enough for my own football team, plus a punter. We could once again play football on the White House lawn, just like in the days of JFK.

You are all invited to my Inauguration and be sure to bring the kids. But there will be no Inaugural Ball.

Unfortunately, I can't dance.

You can reach me at bobdunning@thewaryone.com.

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Note: For those of you who are new to Bob Dunning and The Wary One, here is a link to Bob's first Substack column two months ago, which explains in detail how he made the transition to Substack after 55 years as a daily newspaper columnist.

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